With most of the local public schools beginning their terms over the next two weeks, I find myself constantly surrounded by sad-faced kids and harried parents, especially when making trips to CVS, Winn Dixie, or Wal-Mart. Every mother has her hands filled with lists of required school supplies. To the best of my memory, my teachers were happy if everyone showed up on the first day with a pencil, some paper, and shoes on! But in this modern, hi-tech age, teachers have very precise requirements---certain kinds of folders, notebooks, pens, even calculators and computers. Watching the chaos of a family with multiple kids spread through high, middle, and elementary school, I'm grateful to be single, concerned about 'tax-free' week only because I want to save money on a new pair of heels.
Parents of college age students, especially freshmen, also feel pressure to get everything on their back-to-school lists. I wonder how much money the discount stores make in the week that Wofford opens? I suspect the red-shirted clerks at Target love to see girls flocking into the designer sheets and towels section, or spot some guys angling to get a new TV or video game console out of dad. I've been told by students that the most essential dorm room item is actually the refrigerator, and that any new student who keeps it well stocked (I won't speculate with what!) is destined to be the most popular kid on the hall.
I've been a freshman adviser for almost sixteen years. Every year, I meet briefly with the parents of my class. Unfortunately, a twenty-minute meeting isn't really enough time for parents to ask many questions. I think the conference serves mainly to reassure parents that a real live person, not some computer, will be looking out for their young person, providing academic navigation through the treacherous shoals of the first year.
Since I can't spend a lot of time with each parent, I'd like to sketch out my own 'wish list' of things that I think parents should talk about and plan for with their children before dropping them off in front of Old Main. This is not a list of textbooks or preferred school supplies, but an accounting of things that (based on years of watching, teaching, and counseling students) I feel would help make the transition easier for both young people and their parents. One caveat---I do not have children of my own, but I think that being around almost a generation of Wofford students and their parents has given me some small measure of insight.
1. Talk about money.
In my experience, the thing that causes the most trouble between kids and parents is the same thing that causes the most divorces---differing attitudes about money. Generally speaking, parents want to save money and kids want to spend it. Wofford is not cheap; everything will end up costing more than expected, especially books. Young adults who are generally thrifty often find themselves caught up in the excitement of going out to eat with friends, or develop expensive tastes for designer coffee drinks. Any student who joins a fraternity or sorority will rack up big bills in fees, trips, and t-shirts. Even an innocent date night at the movies can set a kid back by fifty dollars. And I haven't even mentioned the inevitable last minute road trips to see a game, go skiing, or simply change the scenery.
I've had parents call me and ask me how much their child should have as a college allowance. I have no idea how to answer that question! When I was a student, my mother would slip me a twenty on Sunday afternoon, and I could live on it for a week. (But I went to FSU when Chief Osceola was the student body president, remember?) The best strategy---the one that successful students turn to---is to know their parents' values. I'm not talking their dollar value, but their values about money. Do they think it's OK to 'live it up' in college? Or are they more concerned that a student save his pennies and graduate with no debt? A parent should be up-front with a young person---is a Wofford College education a gift or a loan? This is such a key discussion that it should be going on right NOW, not in the car on the way to campus, when it will sound like a lecture and no freshman will be listening anyway. Parents should be prepared for the occasional SOS, and students should be prepared to balance a checkbook. A healthy attitude about money, with compromises on both sides, would prevent a lot of sleepless nights and weepy phone calls.
2. Have realistic academic expectations.
Virtually all Wofford students have been academic stars in high school, yet nearly every freshman struggles with at least one subject during the first semester. If I had a nickel for every time a freshman has said "I never had to study in high school but THIS is so HARD," I could have retired long ago. Sometimes it's a matter of new material, or new ways of learning, or a professor that a student just doesn't click with. At other times, bad grades are a product of excitement, freedom, lack of sleep, bad eating habits, and poor college-level study skills.
Parents shouldn't excuse students for sloppiness, nor should they tolerate the 'my roommate won't let me concentrate, he/she talks too much' excuse. (What is the library for, hmmm?) But parents also need to realize that academic growth comes in starts and stops, that college is very different to high school, and that only a minuscule population of freshmen bring home straight A's---and they are often the ones having the most miserable college experience. Even a valedictorian should be cut a break. The first semester is always the hardest one.
3. Teach your kids to wash and iron their own clothes (Or get them an account at the dry cleaners).
I think that one is probably self-explanatory. Plus, it will save you money if junior understands that white dress shirts shouldn't be washed with red cotton shorts.
4. Communicate, but don't hover!
Have a regular time to check in with your young person; call on certain nights of the week, but for the love of Ben Wofford, don't call them after every class! And make it clear that they shouldn't be calling you at the office. Take away their cell phones if you have to. It's high time they started handling ordinary problems---like squabbles with the roommates, stomachaches, and that irksome term paper---on their own. It will make them stronger and more confident, and it is an integral part of a good Wofford education. Stuff a copy of Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self Reliance" in his backpack or her make-up bag! Remember that they are no longer in high school and that parent-teacher conferences are a thing of the past. You are not responsible for Johnny's bad quiz grade or Susy's attendance warning. They will make mistakes---it's your job not to panic. Try to let them learn as much as possible from both their successes and their stumbles.
5. Get a life---your own!
This is the fun part---start planning for what you'll do with yourself now that the bird is leaving the nest. Maybe now you can take that trip, or spend more time on the golf course, or redecorate that extra room. (Who can't wait to rip down those Aerosmith posters and finally vacuum under the bed? Let's see a show of hands!) Don't worry, it's just college, they are coming back for the holidays and next summer, and some of them will even pop back for the weekends. But you raised him or her for 18 years, and you did a good job. Reward yourself. Relax. Let go.
And just think, if you don't manage to get everything checked off this list during the freshmen year, you still have three (or more!) opportunities to get it right.
