11:06 pm
ommmmm...realise the limited festiveness of the title and am adding chanukah and kwanza to list of reasons for my love spreading throughout the week...as have had a lot of time inbetween digesting and unwrapping gifts and shoving more food into my ever expanding self, i've realised some vital things, thus comes frances' semi-serious blog (one of few i assure you's hooligans who want to go on leading a blissfully hahaha frances does silly crazy antics 100 percent of the time and never has any seriousneeosity at all existence...i love you too, but i assure you that even happy optimistic me can use her cranial membranes albeit rarely, aussi)
so here goes, as my skin tightened and my stomach lurched when i set foot on my highschool campus for a visit i realised, that i've already changed and it's only taken the fear of being caught by highschool admin and being forced to face the essentially dreary monotony of highschool to bring me to a definitive realisation. If for some reason i was forced to go back I don't know how i would do it, not just because of the horrible hours being deskbound for hours with no relief, but also the environment, the freedom to express and explore yourself amongst other things...In so many ways I've already turned into my parents, the someones I promised myself I would never become...they've permeated my VERY CORE!!!...i find myself suddenly taking on responsibility, developing a mucousy cough in the morning, wearing reading glasses in my sleep, making corny jokes, and participating in small talk...very disheartening i must admit, to the angsty teenager ego grappling with my innards, daring me to find new ways of rebelling instead of resigning myself to the approaching world of middle age...
okay, so perhaps i'm being a little paranoid...but really, as i was wondering what it was that was wet and squishy that i was sitting on, and then promptly realising it was my two year old cousin, it helped me realise how much family is...i simply can't think of a base description to explain exactly what my family meant to me at that moment, but i think just saying that my family IS in my life was a profound realisation that's been creeping slowly on me, but every holiday smacks me in the face creating a large purplish bruise that i can think about for the rest of the year...so to say in a manner of speaking etc etc etc.
and then as news of bhutto's assassination amongst other events filtered in through dad's REALLY REALLY basic cable (13 channels, two of which are in french, two of which are also repeats, and one being the tv guide) i felt so much more connected to the world...the sociology course i took this past semester was one of the steps into opening my eyes to a different world than the pretty much self-centered, authority generated and disseminated, limited views i had lived with in highschool...so much exists, bad and good, out THERE and IN HERE, the outside that IS the inside of our world...call me an over emotional nincompoop but the vastness of this sense of connection to the duality of existence made me want to cry in the wake of its realisation...maybe it's just the effect of Toronto's pollution
Wofford has already changed me even though I may not want to admit it, and perhaps, my change has simply been a freak isolated event, and maybe everyone else really has just had a swingingly merry red faced hot chocolate sipping carol singing gift giving coca cola advert holidays, but i guess in this round about sort of way i'd like to thank the people who've been a part of this 'tilling of introspective earth' that's been going on inside moi...from family, to other students, to profs, and even those people i don't know who gawk and gape while tolerating my ridiculous antics in public...it's helped me want to write even more! if the thought of living a glamorously bohemian existence in a cardboard box with canned soup for company wasn't enough, what's happened to me in the past few months has ignited this new passion once again. the little kid reading Charlotte's Web and turning pages hasn't resurfaced for a long while...so, thanks :)
anyways, if you're still reading this and haven't chosen to lose yourself into the cold winter wild instead of having to finish my dribble then i hope i haven't scared you off of Wofford or college or growth...so i promise you won't have to read awfully boringly flouncy head in space things like this much more often, and please come back from the outside because it's quite cold and there are mean brutish animalistic things out there like er...wolves, and bears, and maniac children building snowforts and such...plus i don't think i could forgive myself...or the school could forgive me if you didn't come back to school in a few days...
wrapping my arms around the earf, Frances
